All at once, all of life is changed.

The church, which was once a place of comfort and stability, becomes the last place you want to be.

Your life is turning, spiraling, and the people around you can only offer words that sting and fester in the gaping wound of your pain. They mean well, they love you, but they don't know what to say.

You probably remember being on both sides of that situation. Maybe you've been the one to offer trite words to the wounded. Maybe you've been the recipient of those words. Maybe you've been both.

No matter which you are, the truth is no one gets out of this kind of thing unscathed.

In my own darkest moments, I remember the tension of not understanding any of it. I was in a bleak and deep state of confusion, unable to understand what was happening to me, what to do, and what I wanted or needed. I remember wanting to flee from people, dreading every sympathetic look and interaction. And I remember days when I broke and longed deep inside me for someone to reach out and speak to me, touch me, and sit with me in my pain. I remember the days God answered those pleas with the kindness of a friend or stranger, and I remember days He answered with Himself.

It's normal to wish we had a rulebook for walking through devastating loss, something to help us navigate loving others well when we don't know how. God's word doesn't provide us with rules, but these are a few vital truths we can rest in:

When searching the Psalms, Lamentations, and Job, we see examples of how pain is never linear. It ebbs and flows, sometimes to extremes. When walking through or with someone in hardship, remember that there is no correct progression. Be careful not to expect it to look a certain way. It almost never will be what you expected.
I was often so shocked when people said extraordinarily insensitive things to me in the wake of my pain, but in Job, we see this is not an uncommon part of grief. If you are suffering, remember there have probably been times you've been Job's destructive friends. If you are walking alongside someone, remember how the words you say today will be etched in the memory of your hurting friend, for better or worse. In the words of someone, I greatly respect,
"Job's friends, who sometimes said true things alongside their poor theology, were called "miserable comforters" with "windy words" and were rebuked sharply by the Lord. Jesus, on the other hand, shows us how wise and loving friends come alongside sufferers. He wept." - Clint Watkins
There are certain kinds of suffering that leave us paralyzed. Sleep evades us or refuses to provide rest. Food no longer fills and satiates us. Our eyes are bleary, and we tremble with weakness. All we feel is numb. In times like this, a home-cooked meal and a tangible act of service can be the hands and feet of Jesus. Offer to fill the gas tank of the recently widowed woman. Bring food to the broken home. Cut their grass and wash their car. Instead of cliché words or gifts, offer physical help.
Pain makes everyone uncomfortable, not just the sufferer. You may feel afraid to say something, desperately not wanting to say something that will make it worse, and that's a good thing. Jeremiah 6:14 offers a warning to those who offer false comfort, "They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, 'Peace, peace,' when there is no peace." Instead of always having to have something to say, pray. Pray for them even if they never know; sometimes, those prayers carry more weight. I will never forget the friend who lives hundreds of miles away, who wrote my name on the wall of his barn, and prayed for me every single day for years. He had no self-interest in my pathetic situation. He pleaded for me without thanks or accolades. He had no assurance his prayers would be answered, yet he continued to pray for me. When I learned this years later, I felt like the most wealthy person on earth.
Pain and joy can go hand-in-hand, but that doesn't mean we abandon one for the other. We can live in the not-yet tension of acknowledging the devastation of the suffering we are feeling while being held in the hope that is coming. There are moments when we feel that being joyful means ignoring reality, but God never calls us to live in a dream world. He knows what it's like here, what you are walking through. He lived through it too. He calls us to rejoice because this is not the end. We can be sure that we will see the goodness of God in the land of the living because He promised us. None of His promises will ever fall void.
The pressure to help the suffering, or even to help yourself in the midst of suffering, is not on you. Yes, you have the responsibility to love others well and to seek God in pain, but in the end, you are not the one who can bring hope, meaning, and healing. Only God, who was called The Man of Sorrows, can do that. Draw near when it is most uncomfortable and inconvenient. Offer kindness and love even when you feel clumsy and foolish. Don't be afraid to run to the hurting; God knows they need it. But, you are not able to save anyone from pain, and that can comfort you if you understand it. The God of the universe, who is the Author and Perfecter of Salvation, is mighty to save. Through scripture, we see that His beloved are almost always those who suffer greatly. Because we know this, we can consider it a mark of His special love for us when He calls us to walk with Him through something only He can help us with. There is treasure unfathomed in the special intimacy that comes when people suffer together. Imagine the intimacy that will come when you suffer with your Father.

Psalm 34:17-22 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears; He delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him from them all. He protects all his bones; not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked, and the haters of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems His servants, and none who take refuge in Him will be condemned."